No More Training Bra for the Mind

Today some of "little girl Carly" disappeared. About 15 minutes before having to teach YTT sadhana, a glass bottle broke and I got tiny shards in my heel and finger. They were so small I didn't even feel that I was bleeding. All the other assistants rushed to help, to clear glass and to bandage me up. I felt calm and still. I felt trust and support. I was trusting and allowing them to take care of what needed to be done in terms of myself and in terms of the room to prepare. Never once did the thought of flee, or bail or poor me cross my mind. I didn't even mention it in the centering. I didn't want the attention to be on the idea of heroic me coming through some wound and presto chango, super yoga teacher. Hardly. I am tired of playing the role of the role of myself. I knew I had it in my heart of what I wanted to radiate towards these students and I wasn't going to give in to fear or let that voice be clouded over by some smaller, whinier me. And so grown up calm professional Carly put on the Madonna mic and told the story of how yoga made her boobs smaller.

Beginner's Mind

Lately I have been thinking about patterns that become habits and when is the point when something stops serving or nourishing me in the way that it used to. And would that be a lull or a sign that change is needed and is it a physical or mental shift or both?

I am now assisting my 5th YTT and for the first time it feels new. Even just going over the program agreements yesterday brought new wisdom about how to approach a new experience.

This is really the first time in my life I'm watching my yoga practice shift from a very physical external practice to a more internal and slower practice.

I'm really excited to teach sadhana today---to talk about where I was in my practice and how then the shift was the anamayakosha but now transformation is happening in more subtle layers of the body. Even with breaking habitual patterns I feel the newness. Today's newness of turkey burger and the white lights strung on the trees outside the classroom window. And my joy and excitement in the lunch line and when I noticed the lights as if hearing a secret or private joke and instead of whispering to tell someone about the lights, I just let my heart smile.

Bramacharya

One of the things that I don't feel I do is take my time. My father has this saying about our family. We leap before we look. In some ways, this is a great way to live---I jump into situations that I may not normally. However, it also means that many of my decisions come from the outside in instead of the inside out. I let things land but not absorb.

So I am continuing my practice of walking slowly, in nature, barefoot when I can, practicing analoma viloma and now will add using sesame oil and nasaya oil to bring in more ways of connecting to my body through aruyveda.

One of the passages that I really liked in the Mahabarta was the one in which one of the Pandavas brothers decides not to fight a battle because he wants things to be safe and peaceful and his other brother says to him: My dear brother, any great undertaking will seem difficult in the beginning. This should not dampen our spirits and enthusiasm. What cannot be achieved by might can be achieved through wisdom.

It is my hope that I am on the path of wisdom.

Meat and Meditation

Since eating meat I have felt much more grounded. I feel my quads more. I think my voice may even be deepening. I remember writing in a poem once: Red Meat makes you a war-monger. So far it's been only the white meat for me so I can't yet say how the beef will flow in my body, but breakfast today was chicken sausage and lunch was a turkey bacon sandwich. I feel more powerful, though I can't say it's just the meat. I have been walking outside more and practicing a midday pranayama practice of analoma viloma and have to say both of those things make me feel more grounded and connected to nature. So today it is about how new foods feel in my body and committing to a regular walking and pranayama practice. My head feels clearer after analoma viloma. My body feels slower. My gaze seems more even. I feel less of a need to speak.

Earthing

I am the woman who came to Kripalu with 18 pairs of shoes. So when Randal suggested that we take off our shoes off for the hike today, my first thought was no way. But after he explained the benefits of walking barefoot, I reconsidered in my mind. He explained that the toes are like roots and walking barefoot helps with back pain. It also is an anti-oxident and anti-inflammatory to have feet connect to earth.

I looked around. I was one of the people sheepishly taking off shoes. This kind of hiking is called earthing and essentially we are made up of all the elements in the earth and we our separation from nature is what creates dis-ease. What I thought would be hard on the soles of my feet turned out to be soft. I let my feet stand on rocks and dipped my toes in water. I relished the new sensations. Walking barefoot slowed me down and allowed me to breathe more freely.

After the hike I practiced analoma viloma---20 rounds takes about 15 minutes and I plan on these being grounding practices to become part of my regular routines.

~

And today's new thing: Chicken Apple Sausage!

Getting Quiet

For those who know me, they know that I can be a bit of a loud-mouth and my voice can go up octaves and get shrill. So part of this experiement is to find ways to practice bramacharya, energy management. And for me this is not simply an exercise in discipline---I'm pretty good at restraining myself by creating "rules" and "limits" for myself. So today is about getting quiet. So far I have taken a break to read in the office and lay down for a bit and just breathe, signed up for a 10 day Vipassana retreat and will be going on a meditation walk in nature from 2-3pm.

Every Day Anew

I've been a vegetarian on and off since 6th grade when I first learned about what it was to be a vegetarian from my new friend from Cleveland. When I first tried it, it sounded exotic and it was a way to be different and to express something new than how my family had been eating. After a week of making spaghetti with tofu and Ragu sauce, I caved and went back to being a carnivore. In that week that I learned so much (and had lots more to learn, like how to properly prepare tofu, which didn't happen until in my 30's, but no matter...). I learned how not to be a vegetarian, I learned how to articulate a voice contrary to what my family was doing, and I learned how to cook (if boiling water and heating jarred sauce counts...but at least it was a step in the right directing). But somewhere a seed was planted and it was one that I revisited later in life to explore keeping kosher and to live a more healthy life. Through being a vegetarian, I learned the yogic principle of tapas, discipline. I've been a practicing vegetarian for 7 years now, until tonight. I was sitting down at Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of meat-eaters (some who have also been vegetarian) and I began to wonder what was the point. Was I a vegetarian to prove something to myself or the world and how much of my yogic identity was wrapped up in the idea of not eating meat. What if the meat was local but the kale was shipped in from California? Which would be more harmful? Essentially the decision boils down to an issue of paradigm. When does a belief system become a samskara or habitual pattern that limits a process of inquiry? When do patterns that are healthful become ruts that are guised in diligent and serious practice? And when does what was designed to create more freedom build more walls. And hence, I realized, I wasn't allowing myself to taste all life has to offer and so begins the idea of Ever Day Anew. Every day I will do something new and write about it with the idea of creating a more expansive and limitless life from this day until my birthday, February 15th.