Creating Clarity and Consitency

Some things that have been coming up for me as I let go of some habits are how easily am I looking for something to replace them or can I be in the void/space of uncertainty and emptiness. Not necessarily a lonely empty but maybe more of a pause. Can I pause and not think of the next move. Can I be comfortable without a plan. We certainly talk a lot about that here, but I am finding the practice of it to be much more challenging. I have deviated from much practice this week due to shutdown and taking on new practices of preparing for my first poetry slam. Much of this exploration is about voice and being able to first listen to what is truly authentic and then to convey it. But I miss the part of me that is changing or allowing these changes. I miss more deeply wearing flowers and have realized how much that has translated into jewelry or tights or fashion in some way. I miss having a regular writing practice and preparing for the slam and the fiction workshop I am about to teach has me craving working with words. I miss the late nights of writing in the dark and feeling a sense of connection to night, to stillness, and the connection of feeling awake when everyone else was asleep. I think what I mean to say is I miss the spark of creating and creation. The origin and not the practice, the spark but not the fire...I think I am love with beginnings, pregnant with possibility. I think this is the duality, how can i find the balance between that which is disciplined practice and beginner's mind.