Samskara

Samskaras have been likened to grooves we carve and recarve based on our experiences. It's like a rut or pattern we seem to just fall into. Eventually I end up asking, or rather lamenting, why something happens to me. But the truth is somehow I am actively inviting that energy in---whether it's dating a certain type of person, or thinking I'm not good enough, or falling into the trap of creating a system of weights and measures---that I have to earn my privledges or joys by practicing certain behaviors to earn them (for example, working out so I can eat a cookie). I remember one of the most heart breaking aspects of teaching to survivors of trauma was hearing a statement like this: The first time I was raped, I was 9. And seeing how this singular experience evolved into a string of rapes, assaults, damaging relationships.

One of the things yoga teaches is that trauma finds its hold in the body. Attending Ray Crist's class today, he said that this trauma becomes like a beacon, calling energy towards it, making the knots tighter and the practice is for us to unwind them and let them go so that we don't create a chain of samskara in the body. That the practice is about coming more into the heart meridian and the prefrontal cortex, home of compassion and wisdom and out of the adrenals and the fight and flight response.

The intention I created today was not to do anything out of fear from, but rather excitement and curiousity and joy.

Riding the Waves More Quietly

Something that I have noticed is that even when life offers big waves, emotionally I'm more even keel. I don't follow the crazy doomsday voice in my head---actually doomsday has been replaced by more logic and optimism. For example when the computer shuts down in the middle of watching a Netflix, I think, wow, I should plug it in and then see if it shut down b/c I was out of battery instead of thining, how could I be such a silly head and loose all my poems and documents.

One of the best pieces of advice I received was to make the first 30 minutes of my day for spiritual practice. For me that looks like whirlpool, sauna and abhyanga (sometimes metta and just being still in somewhat of a meditation practice.) In cultivating quiet, I find there is more quiet space I am creating so that when life turns up the volume, I don't immediately get louder.

What We Can't Explain

Lately I've been thinking in a whole new mindset---the one of I don't know instead of I know. I used to really want explanations. If I do this, I get that or figuring out the reason why. The conclusion I've come to is we will never know why. We may think we do, but we don't. Recently I entered a writing contest. I just found out I didn't win, but before that I had sent the essay to my mentor who had unbeknownst to me, sent it to the Marketing/Editorial Dept. here. And they want to publish it! If not for the contest, I would have not written the piece. So this leads me to believe that our life is made up of a string of circumstances, cities on a map and each decision or moment is connected to the next, but perhaps not in the obvious or linear way the mind works. Instead, the more I open to the random-ness, the easier it is to not attach...

Gratitude

Everyday I wake up and someone has made me breakfast, I have a hot tub and sauna and unlimited yoga and gorgeous grounds to walk on. It's true, I don't make very much money for what I do, but if water, kale, and nature are compensation, I am definitely richer than I have been since ever actually.

However what makes this experience even richer is the personal connections. One of my students from the last ytt just sent me her grandmother's aprons because she knows how much I love wearing them over my yoga pants :) It is such a gift to feel the offering of someone's personal family history. The generosity and connection that I feel just by being here is so magnified each time I step onto my mat or into my role as teacher. And realizing that this moment exists as now---what if I looked at every minute as a chance to step up on this mat of life and choose to open my heart and connect?

So this is my plan---to find a moment of each day to make a new connection or to rekindle and reconnect to dear friends and family not physically here with me and to replant the seeds of what it means to be present. And what if we all did that, took more time to express love and gratitude? Outside the weather is unseasonably warm and so I'm letting that be my reminder to be warmer (or hotter) inside....

The Vinyasa of Life

Last Saturday I was guiding my students out of shavasana when the fire alarm went off. Calmly I invited them to press up, grab their shoes and a blanket and exit through the side door and used the moment as a teaching one---how to stay in the vinyasa and move with what life offers. We om-ed outside---one student said om-ing made her warmer and so we did it again and I asked her to lead the next one as she's a YTT student. The next part of the experience was to find yoga, union, connection by meeting a new person and using this as a moment to cultivate welcome and friendliness in any situation.

I'm feeling so honored and grateful for this teaching moment, to look at everything as part of the flow---to not use the tools of planning, but simply the tools of being :)

The Power of Intention and Visioning

I used to think these things were corny---I had a hard time "seeing" things the way I wanted them to be---or I wasn't sure and was unclear about what I wanted my life to look like. It was a just take what arrives and make the best of it way of living. But being here in which I practice being centered and grounded before I begin any task (idealistically). But in January I really started putting out intentions that were specific and empowering. I also started practicing self-trust, self-compassion and joy. And by creating that internal space, the external space shifted. What I breathe out, I breathe in or vice versa. I feel lighter and more confident than I have ever felt. And what I put out, I draw in towards me. An interesting fact about dating is that one attracts what one is, not what one is looking for....

Thai Yoga Massage

I used to be the yoga teacher who was sacred to touch people b/c I didn't want to hurt them or get in the way of their practice. Before moving here, I had taught trauma sensitive yoga classes and so it took me a while before I felt it was safe to enter into my students' physical space. Now in thinking about that, I think that came from how I felt about people and teachers entering my space. For a long while I've felt simultaneously guarded yet free. It's a contradiction that I'm inquiring about and exploring and I do feel that the guard has come down quite a bit. I'm sure there's more to unlock but much progress has been made: I've lessened the hair dye, the make-up, the primping and prepping of my life. If my look could now be described by Cosmo, I'd say natural and radiant.

But getting back to touch, I think this is the year for it---it started with advances techniques for assisting asana and now this. Instead of worrying about the body and how and where to touch, I'm learning to trust that clear intention of love and healing will be the intuitive guide. It's like intimacy with clothes on---something I feel grateful for being able to explore and thankful to have the opportunity to see touch in a way that is sensual but not sexual.